My heart is exploding with joy and love and lightness. I shouldn’t be surprised, I’ve been working on this for a while now.
I know I won’t be experiencing this ‘forever’ (whatever that means) so in this mountaintop en*heart*enment moment, I’ll just capture the essence of this which is:
All of the friends I have had, from kindergarten all the way through now, you’ve grown my heart and filled it with playfulness like the way puppies play and roughhouse on green lawns, with forgiveness because no one is wrong, with lessons of loyalty and trust and just a general sense that it’s good to just be--
All of the teachers I have had, who went the extra mile to SHOW me what the hell you were doing instead of TELLING me what the hell you were doing, you’ve put so much faith in me, filling my heart with the ability to trust and believe in someone other than myself and somehow showing me that I had everything I needed inside myself all along--
All of the lovers I have had, and some of you I never even kissed, we had that moment, those moments, those years, I know it, my heart knows it, and all those delicious memories in my heart, even the pain of the lover stuff ending, all of it swirling and sweaty and confused and confident and connected and misfiring and promised and betrayed--
All of my blood family folks, you’ve given me so much so selflessly, you set up my heart to know how to feel all of these feelings that are worth living for, how am I ever supposed to do for you what you’ve done for me and this thumping thrumming heart which you crafted and molded and held so tenderly in your own heart--
All of the writers and painters and musicians and artists who filled my senses with richness channeled from places I needed to experience through your magic, who gave their lives to their craft, sacrificed themselves so that I might enjoy a gorgeous cathedral, a transcendent choir piece, an arresting clash of colors, an imaginary world filled with characters I love love love--
And so many more, the ones I never talked to on the bus, the ones I never looked at in yoga class, the ones who were in the room next door, the ones who drove me home in a taxi safely, the ones who made my burrito, the ones who built the roof over my head, how do I explain it, it’s all of them, all of you--
It’s all of it and it’s all of it good and the living stuff, the heart knowing stuff is made up of how much I feel you in my heart, how much I love love love--
I’m starting to lose it already. It’s a cracked-open bigger feeling-feel, the part of me here, sitting alone, knowing I’m never alone, was never alone, will never not for one second spend any time of this life being alone, alone is a lie, it’s a trick, it’s a joke, alone doesn’t exist, not to the heart anyway, the heart is too full of all of this, all of you--
Some people take drugs to get to this place and stay here. I had to go through a flood. A flood of my own fear. A flood that carried me up and washed away everything I no longer needed. A flood that reoriented me under stars that point the way, always point the way towards my heart. My heart wide open to you. To this.
The flood that nearly killed me taught me how to love.
Sarah Elovich is a writer and performer based in Oakland, CA.