When things happen in threes, it starts to feel like a sign, or a message. Today, three people I haven't talked to in years - no wait, four! Shit, four. Four people from my past reconnected with me. Shit.
Earlier today I was talking to Julie Geiseke, another extremely talented performer, about… things. About storytelling related things. Things I’m not going to go into great detail about right here with you, because I don’t know you very well yet, still, and it’s important to me to keep details to myself sometimes. But the general overarching theme of the things we were talking about had to do with getting crystal clear about why I’m doing this. This. This writing, this performing, this storytelling. This ‘living’. It was a powerful and much needed conversation, given the nature of other conversations recently had over Indian food in dimly lit restaurants in the fucking Mission.
No, listen, this is not an inside joke. Julie Geiseke and I had a great conversation and in it she asked me to check myself, and just get extremely clear about what the fuck I’m actually doing all of this for. And I have the answer, I mean, I know the reason, I didn’t even need to search for it, I’ve been meditating on it for two weeks. Connection. That’s why I’m doing this. So then here’s what happened next:
I get back to my desk, because I had stepped out to make this call, which actually now that I think about it, Julie and I were disconnected four times during our conversation. Fuck. Four. And so I go back to my desk and do my work and time passes, ok? Time passes, I mean, things never roll along in a threaded and connected way for me, my mind becomes absolutely consumed with things like the intricacies of grant agreements and the flow of a new Power Point presentation. Look, it’s work. It occupies my brain is what I’m saying.
And so, ok, you got me, I checked Facebook. For a long time I wasn’t on Facebook for a number of reasons and now occasionally I’m on it, and I feel like it’s not a great thing to do while I’m at work but it’s the main way I stay in touch with a number of folks in my writing community, and after a while of doing the distracting work, I wanted to be reminded of that thing of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Connection. So I’m on FaceFuckingBook and here’s a message from my friend’s brother, who I think I’ve actually only had four conversations with. Jesus Christ. Four.
And he’s commenting about something extremely important to me, which happens to be a Marc Maron podcast in which he interviews Dr. Drew, just listen to it, do me a favor. And Marc, I mean, God, I can’t say that he is THE reason, but he is a huge fucking inspiration to me and a lot of why and how I’m doing what I’m doing is tied up in the synapses and connections made while listening to his podcast over the years.
You know what? I can’t do this. This isn’t making any sense. I’m not going to lead you through the rest of this. Because the whole Banana Man Hot Dog joke my friend’s kid made two months ago in Brooklyn, which sparked a whole other thing that isn’t a thing but in another lifetime might have been a thing… And me posting something similar on a friend’s Facebook page, which then got randomly commented on by someone I haven’t even thought about since senior year of high school… And another Facebook message from someone doing a huge open heart-reveal. All today.
Is it Facebook? Is it Thanksgiving? Are we all always this connected and I just can’t see it? It’s exhausting. And then another person, an actual friend I haven’t had an actual conversation with in over a year, right there, in front of me at the grocery store - thank fuck the fourth wasn’t also on Facebook or I might have had to admit to myself that this whole post was about fucking Facebook. But it kind of was.
Anyway, none of this matters except it’s the only thing that matters. Connection and meaning. I’ve been meditating on it my whole life but only two weeks ago put it into my conscious intention setting and now BAM it’s right up in my face and it’s truthfully overwhelming so now I get to figure out: connection - is it REALLY what I want?
Sarah Elovich is a writer and performer based in Oakland, CA.